Inside Out
by MA477LL
Summary: Lauren is in the lab thinking about her life. Things get complicated from there. Up to and including 2x09. Mostly angst, although I'm aiming for a happy ending. Eventually. You have been warned.
1. Chapter 1

**Inside out**

**Chapter 1**

It's past midnight on a Saturday morning. Just a few weeks ago, at this hour, she would had been home asleep; or perhaps, if she was really lucky, at the Dal with her friends.

She tells this to herself. But it is a lie. She knows it. She has no real friends. That would imply they were her equals. She is a slave to the fae.

A human, so much as chattel.

The only other human in her life, that tiny, crazy girl, Kenzi, doesn't even like her. She likes Kenzi just fine, but to be truthful, it doesn't really bother her that the feeling is not returned. Maybe it should, but she has never been well-liked. Not in high school. Not at the University or during her residency. It's something she has learnt to ignore. If it pained her at some point in her life, that time is long gone. She was always an awkward know-it-all with little time to waste making friends.

A lopsided grin crosses her face for a second.

The more you change, Lauren, the more you stay the same.

She is still in the lab, reading the last of the books Trick gave her. She has been at her desk since 7:30 am, but it feels longer than that. Maybe it is because yesterday, and the day before that, also followed the same pattern. She knows she's obsessed, on the verge of collapse. But knowing it doesn't change anything. The only thing she has eaten all day is an old apple that she had lying around, and only because the pain in her stomach was distracting her, making it difficult to concentrate on the book. Her eyesight is getting blurry, and she's probably not giving the text the attention it requires. But she cannot quit.

She is frustrated. Angry. Upset with herself.

She should have known it was a curse. She _should_. How did she not see it?

But there is more. She feels guilty. Ashamed of herself. She knows that she had started to give up on Nadia. That she was no longer looking for a cure, not with the intensity that is now driving her. That drove her at the beginning.

She had been almost happy, hadn't she? Playing doctor for the fae. Since she met Bo, she had even started to dream of a future without Nadia. But the recent string of events has certainly closed that door. On her very face. She has been shoved back into her past. And suddenly, she is stuck in the now. In this very minute. She has no future beyond reading this book, beyond finding some information that may help break the curse.

She runs a hand through her hair. Darn it. Something has to give.

She needs to leave. Sleep. Grab a shower. Rest so that she can be sharp. Clear her mind. She knows it. But she _needs_ to keep going.

Every day that goes by is a torment. Now that she realises Nadia's state might very well be her fault, she cannot live with herself. It is bigger than she is; this possibility that all of this is Her Fault For Real. Not some misplaced guilt because 'I shouldn't have invited Nadia to come along,' but this burden, this certainty that somebody cursed Nadia just to 'snatch' Lauren for the Light.

She cannot stop thinking of everything that has been stolen from her. From Nadia. Poor Nadia, who has lost some of her better years stuck in a freaking pod, for crying out loud.

Lauren has to atone. She has to.

She gazes at the monitor, it is second nature to her; she must look at it at least 50 times a day. Her gaze moves over Nadia's body. It is like looking at a beautiful Greek statue. There is never any change. Not a blink. She has been stable like this for 5 years, 2 months and 3 days. She looks at her watch. Make that 4 days.

Not that she is counting.

Even if she went to bed, she might not sleep. She has not slept well since her time in limbo. She lied about seeing her aunt. She never really left her body. She cannot tell the others, but when they held the syringe to Lachlan's neck, it was her who said the contents were 'freedom.' _Her_ freedom. Maybe Nadia's too. She heard herself screaming it into her head, and then out of their mouth as Raynard repeated it in his sing-song maniac voice. Her voice.

How can any of her so-called friends understand what things are like for Lauren? Realise how far removed she is from the carefree kick-ass scientist she once was? Understand that she had actually wanted to kill the Ash? That maybe she still did?

Lauren herself cannot. She is afraid of this darkness she has discovered in herself. She is afraid of how different she is these days. How changed. She is afraid she might snap.

Her phone rings, but she lets it go to the voice recorder. It has been blinking and ringing all week, but she hasn't taken any outside calls. Her inbox must be full of messages. But she has no time to be social, to talk about kisses, or to joke around with Trick. There is only this book. And the answer is not in it. She reaches the last lines of the last page, and wishes again that somebody had thought to put all these books in digital format, so she could search for 'Congo' and 'curses,' and be done with it.

Life is never that easy, Lauren.

'At least not yours.'

A long exhale.

She needs more books. It's nearly 1 am, but the Friday night crowds tend to keep the Dal open until the early hours of Saturday, so she may be lucky. She can talk to Trick. He may have some new material for her. She'll have to sneak out, but that is no longer an issue. She's found a number of ways to get in and out of the compound in the last couple of months. Somehow, finding ways to escape appeals to her scientific mind; they are like puzzles to solve. She even thinks of inventive ways, deriving a bit of childish pleasure each time she outsmarts her watch-dogs. They are not really even onto her. Too easy.

She cannot believe now how concerned she was about being imprisoned in the lab. It feels like a lifetime ago. Maybe it was. She smiles. That bit of irrationality did bring with it some of the happiest days of this life she was reborn into that awful day 5 years ago when her other life disappeared under her.

She shakes her head. No point thinking about that now. It's her rational mind speaking.

In her life, she has come to observe that the things she does on impulse often bring her shame, embarrassment and awkwardness; but never regret. And sometimes, Lauren curses her rational mind. That annoying voice that always talks reason. She wishes she could just follow her heart. But she's not built that way.

Maybe what she really wishes is that she was a bit braver.

She rises from the chair. She's been sitting for so long in the same position, her legs have gone numb. She nearly topples over. She has to hold onto the table to stay upright. A wave of dizziness leaves her feeling weak. Her vision goes white for a frightening moment. She can hear her own heavy breathing and the beat of her heart.

She has no time for this. This weakness.

'Keep it together, Lauren.'

It's only a whisper, but it helps her focus. Sugar, she needs sugar. The doctor in her knows that she has not been taking proper care of herself. Such a small problem. She can think of ten ways to fix herself. If only she had ready answers for all the other problems in her life. For all the big questions; like, did she still love Nadia? But the answer to that one question is irrelevant right now. It wouldn't change any of her actions.

But it will be important if Nadia ever wakes up. The voice reminds her.

'When. When she wakes up.' It is the only possible answer.

And when she can safely let go of the table, she'll go get some candy. A Kit-Kat or a coke will do. Maybe both. And then, continue. Move through the painful bits. Just as usual. Do not stop to think.

She has most of her diminishing mind powers split between her internal conversation and the act of staying upright, so she doesn't hear the sound of footsteps behind her. But she hears the voice.

'Lauren?'

She closes her eyes and drops her head slightly. Just what she needs. She is tempted to let go of the table and collapse into a heap. Maybe Bo won't see her is she's lying under the table.

'Are you ok?'

Too late. Bo's hand is suddenly on her shoulder. Lauren knows she is trembling, very slightly, but probably visible to someone like Bo. She hates how this woman affects her.

How close she always stands.

She loves it.

'Hey,' Bo says it like a question. Her hand squeezing lightly; moving down to her arm, pushing slightly to turn her around. There's concern in her voice.

A pause. A blink. Lauren doesn't need this. Not now. Not when she's holding so tenuously onto who she is. She goes for a levity that she doesn't feel.

'Hey. Must had been pretty boring at the Dal. Let me guess, bingo night?'

She straightens up and tentatively lets go of the table. A bit seasick, but not too bad. It's not like she's got anything on her stomach to worry about. The hand on her arm burns through her lab coat and blue shirt. The need to step aside is strong. But that is one thing about Lauren, she always stands her ground. It's a rule she's made for herself. No matter how uncomfortable anyone makes her feel, she does not step back. It would feel like a weakness in a world where she already is the weakest specimen.

Maybe it is her pride that is the real weakness.

But tonight she breaks her rule. A small concession to her sanity. She turns to face Bo, effectively moving away. She doesn't try to smile. She cannot.

Bo is silent. Staring at her with her big brown eyes and for once, seeing her.

Seeing everything.

Lauren looks sick. Pale and withdrawn. With dark circles under her eyes. Like she's lost a couple of pounds in the week that they haven't seen each other. Weight she could hardly spare to begin with.

Bo doesn't know what she was expecting, but this is not it. She was worried about all the unreturned messages and calls. That is why she is there. Now she realises she should had visited the doc sooner. And just like that, any residual awkwardness between them is suddenly unimportant. Lauren may not be asking for her help. But she will be getting it nonetheless.

Lauren is too tired to do anything more than just stand. In a corner of her mind, where she's always observing herself go through life, like the subject of one of her many experiments, she realizes that she is hoping she does not look as rumpled as she feels. Damn that Bo. She makes Lauren worry about girly, irrelevant things like how her hair looks or her clothes fit. She had never thought of herself like that before Bo came into her life. Whatever hairstyle she liked was good enough for everyone else or deal, but now, now she finds herself worrying about it. At her age. She'd be annoyed at Bo if she wasn't so amused at discovering this 15 year old girl living inside herself.

But now she's just knackered. Too tired to guess at why Bo is at the lab, or why she is getting her jacket and bag. She feels detached. Uncomprehending. So much so, she dismisses Bo from her mind for a moment, and turns to stare at the monitor.

No change. Nothing. Nada.

Just her Greek goddess stuck in a pod for time unknown.

Again, the voice and the hand on her arm break through her foggy mind.

'Come on, Lauren. You are done here.' It is an order, but, somehow, also a plea.

Bo helps her out of her lab coat and into her leather jacket. If she was feeling better she would enjoy the tenderness and care Bo is affording her. How one of the succubus' hands lightly brushes the underside of her breast for a moment. She feels her body react to the gentle touch. A pulse. A sweet rush of pain. Some part of her mind registers all of it. She will savour it later, when she can. When she is lying in the room she has been given in the basement. Her living quarters. What a joke. No more than a bed, a small wardrobe and a tiny bathroom. Given to her by courtesy of the new Ash. So nothing distracts her from her servitude.

So she doesn't forget her place.

And she doesn't.

No inventive ways of getting out for Bo. She just walks out with Lauren in tow. A firm hand still circling Lauren's bicep. Still burning her skin through two layers of clothing. When they meet the first of her guard-dogs, Bo just touches his chest and tells him 'The doctor is not felling well. She is coming with me.' The effect is immediate. He just nods and lets them pass. Lauren can't help but be impressed. Bo seems to get more powerful all the time. In fact, where her safety is concerned, Bo's displays have been awe inspiring.

They get past all the other guards in similar fashion, finally hitting the street. It's cold outside. Lauren's jacket is not much help in this weather, but she doesn't care. She loves nights like this. She breathes deeply and exhales, looking at her breath in the freezing air, as it forms a small cloud in the night. It amuses her now like it used to when she was a child and she would exhale and exhale just to see her own breath.

She is spacing out a bit. She can tell. A deep shiver makes her shake; and just as suddenly, Bo's arm is around her shoulders, pulling Lauren firmly into her body. She is warm and soft in all the right places. It makes Lauren ache.

She mentally scolds herself. 'Put a lid on, Lauren. She has hardly looked your way and you are already past third base.' But that's how it is with them. Lauren has stopped analysing it and just accepted it as some sort of brain short circuit she has. A broken fuse.

Bo lets go of her to open the door of her silly yellow car, but almost immediately, one arm is back around Lauren's waist and the other on her upper arm to help her in. Bo's front brushes slightly along her side and back. Lauren fights with herself. She wants to tell Bo that she doesn't need the help, but she cannot. That she shouldn't touch her, shouldn't stand this close, because she feels even the smallest of contacts in a decidedly unfriendly way. She realises that those touches may not mean anything to Bo, but they are like a saving line to her. The pleasure and well-being she draws from them completely out of proportion. But she doesn't say anything. She is tired of being proud and strong. She'll get her guilty pleasures where she can.

She can feel bad about it tomorrow.

A sardonic grin. How very Scarlett O'Hara of her.

It is kind of crazy inside her head these days. She is exhausted of keeping up with herself and her riotous thoughts.

She sits back as Bo closes the door and walks around the car to the driving seat. For a second, she is tempted to let Bo help her with the seatbelt. But that is just too lowering, even in her current state. So she puts it on herself. Still, Bo reaches around and gives the belt a bit of a tug just in case, the back of her hand brushing lightly against Lauren's hip and tight. It's only for a moment, but enough to make Lauren wish Bo hands away from her side.

Lauren lets her head rest on the back of the seat, feeling some of the tension leave her body. She turns around slightly, looking away from Bo as she starts the engine, and her gaze lands on the entrance to the lab. It is starting to feel like a tomb in there. Her own and Nadia's, so it's good to be out.

She dares to look at Bo again. Only for a moment.

Such a beautiful woman. Calm. Strong. Good. Anyone would be lucky to be with her.

Maybe what is good is not so much to be out of the lab, but to be with her. Like this. Driving in a car, in the middle of the night. Going somewhere. Anywhere. If she could forget about her life back in the compound and that other life, the one before this one, she would be tempted to ask Bo never to stop driving.

She has come to live for these moments, Lauren. For these stolen moments with Bo, Trick, Kenzi, Hale. Even Dyson. When she forgets about what is in the lab and what it has cost her.

That is why she didn't tell them about Nadia.

Some words if you never say out loud, you can ignore.

Things that are not spoken of do not exist.

Right?

She looks out of the car window. The city is speeding by. Not much to see at this hour. Just dark streets, and some of the low life that comes out at night in any city this size. If she was really paying attention she would realise where they are headed, but she's not. She doesn't care. Bo can take her wherever she wants.

She must have fallen asleep, because the next thing she knows is she is being held like a child. Her face against a warm neck and shoulder, one strong arm around her shoulders and another under her knees. But she's just too tired to worry about who is carrying her and where. She supposes it must be Bo. From the tests she has given her, she knows Bo is certainly strong enough to carry a full grown man, let alone her. The 15 year old girl in her jumps up and down in joy at the possibility of being carried like this by Bo. But the ancient lady that shares the top loft with the overjoyed teen is just too tired to care.

She feels herself drifting back to wherever she was before.

She needs it.

A voice. A bit frantic perhaps? 'Lauren is not well, Kenzi. Help me with her.'

And then sleep.**  
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	2. Chapter 2

_I have re-uploaded this chapter, but nothing has changed. I have only removed some typos. So no need to read everything again!_

_Thank you to everyone who has reviewed the story. You people are the nicest, kindest, prettiest ladies on the internet... I haven't figured out how to read your comments yet, but I am sure I will and that they will make me like you even more._

****Inside Out****

**Chapter 2**

It is dark outside when she wakes up. She feels refreshed, pain-free and more clear-headed than she has in a while. Although she is a bit disoriented, she can tell where she is almost immediately.

She is in Bo's bed.

She has not spent a lot of time in it, but the memories of those all-too-brief times are tattooed into her brain. Imprinted, it seems. This canopied bed is both the best and the worst place in her world. She has experienced some of her greatest highs and lows in it.

It is actually embarrassing how much time she spends reminiscing about Bo and herself, in this very same bed. How those memories torment her. She would have been mortified if Bo had spent any time inside her head. She has lost count of the number of times she has given thanks that she got to switch with Raynard instead of with any of the others. Even if that had meant not really switching but rather, staying and experiencing the worst of herself in action.

She turns around slowly, torn between hope and fear, but she's alone in the large bed.

She exhales in disappointment and then, grins, realising she was more hopeful than afraid that Bo would be beside her. It still surprises her how little she knows about herself sometimes. How every so often, she discovers what she really wants only after all the dust has settled.

She moves her arm across the bed, but she cannot tell if someone else has slept on the other side recently.

She's terribly hungry. There's something cooking downstairs that smells nice. She sniffs the air. Maybe lasagna? She loves lasagna. It compels her to get out of bed. She stretches her long arms over her head, hearing some of her bones cracking in a most pleasurable way.

She feels, dare she say it? Relaxed, but also, energized. Upbeat, even. Like a new day is finally starting. Not just the dreadful repetition she was stuck in all of last week. Maybe she has finally stepped out of that wheel of misery.

Did something happen last night? But, no. That is not it. Her body would know.

Her feet hit the dark tiles of the floor. Even wearing socks, she can tell it is freezing. It is always drafty in the old clubhouse. What with the missing walls and everything, but also, the fact that she's only wearing her dark blue panties and a non-descript black t-shirt that barely covers her midriff isn't helping.

She looks down at herself. She was not wearing this t-shirt yesterday. It feels a bit tight across the shoulders, so it is probably Kenzi's. That realization stops her libidinous thoughts. It is not quite as exciting to think of herself bra-less and in Bo's arms, if Kenzi was around at the time. Still, the annoying teen inside is happy she was wearing a nice matching bra and panties set. It cannot have hurt, right?

_Don't be ridiculous, Lauren, and get moving._

She swears her inner voice sounds more and more like her aunt Edna, she of the famous cheesecake.

She stands up, looking for her missing clothes. Good. No dizziness. She must have slept for a long time to feel this well-rested.

For the first time in days, her mind is quiet. There is silence in her head. No crazy, tumultuous thoughts. She touches her forehead. It's cool, like the rest of her. The slight fever she has been fighting all week gone at last.

Maybe she has finally cleansed herself from whatever Raynard injected into the beer? She realises now that she was probably suffering from some after effects of the drug. It clearly affected her in a different way than it did the others.

The darkness that has been suffocating her feels like a bad dream now, like a dark cloud that has finally lifted. But it's not completely gone. It has left a bitter after-taste; an acknowledgement of the dark, terrible feelings that lurk inside her.

The fact is that everything she has been thinking about remains true; all her disappointments and frustrations. It is in the makeup of who she is now.

Her jeans are on the chair by the dresser. So are her boots. That is a good start. She reaches for them and puts them on, immediately feeling warmer. However, her bra, tank-top and shirt are nowhere to be found. Not under the bed or on top of any of the surfaces that she can see. She hopes she'll get them back, wherever they are. The blue shirt is one of her favourites. Plus, she doesn't have that many clothes since the new Ash made her leave her apartment and move into the compound, and it's not like she has had any free afternoons to go shopping.

She moves towards the mirror that is by the bed and stares at her reflection critically.

Her hair is a mess. She finger-combs it until it is somewhat in order. It's a good thing the t-shirt fits so tightly. She can probably get away with not wearing a bra, although her nipples are clearly visible through the thin cotton. She smoothes her hands over them. Down, girls. But it is to no avail. It's cold in the room and the cotton feels rough on her tender flesh. She's on a slow burn anyway. She knows it. Just being anywhere near Bo makes her feel like this.

Also, she should really get going, she needs to get back to the lab. That thought gives her pause. It doesn't feel quite as ominous as it did yesterday. She is almost excited. There are ideas bubbling up in her head; things she can check when she gets there. Questions she needs to ask Trick. She feels a bit relieved, more in control. It _is_ good to feel the Lauren of old reasserting herself.

With a last look in the mirror, she feels ready. She turns towards the door and her heart skips a beat. Bo is leaning against the frame. Her arms crossed. She is smiling, but Lauren cannot read the expression on her face. How long has she been there? She can never hear the other woman approach. Damn her stealth. It puts her off-balance, this never knowing if Bo has been there for a minute or an hour.

Looking at her, watching her every move.

There was a time in Lauren's life when she had wanted to be seen.

Not so much anymore.

She exhales slowly. The problem with Bo is that when she really looks at you, you know you have been _seen_.

Maybe she is not so ready after all. But she marches on. Lauren style.

'Bo.' Her voice is low. Deep. She feels a bit timid. Underdressed. Unprotected. She can feel goose bumps rising on her upper arms. From the cold, yes, but also, just standing here, in the presence of the succubus, like this, makes her shiver. Her defences are down. She doesn't have her things around her; her lab coat with the big pockets where she can stuff her hands whenever she doesn't know what to do with them, or her stethoscope and instruments. All the things that she understands and make her feel centred and secure.

She feels the urge to mimic Bo's posture and cross her arms across her chest. She is very conscious of her unencumbered breasts. She dare not move and feel them sway. She's already too much over her head as it is. She feels raw. Like she has been turned inside out and has all her privates hanging out for everyone to see.

Bo smiles slightly and moves away from the door, coming closer. Her eyes flick over Lauren's frame, stopping at her chest for a moment too long.

_She's looking at your boobies, girly!_ She can hear the voice of her teenage-self shouting into her head. It sounds annoyingly like Kenzi.

She looks at the ceiling for a second. Seriously, Lauren.

She can feel the blood rushing to her face and neck. And also, to places south. But her chin lifts up. It is high time she starts enforcing her own rules. No backing down. She might be blushing like a schoolgirl, but she will act like the grown-up that she is. She will not look away or feel embarrassed. She will _not_ cover her breasts. Her arms tremble at her sides, but she manages to keep them there.

'Hey. Did you sleep well? You were out for a really long time.'

Bo's voice is soft. Her eyes caring, searching. She grabs one of Lauren's hands, squeezing it lightly. It's almost 7 pm. Lauren has been asleep for over 15 hours, and she was starting to worry. She looks a lot better now. Something about her eyes is different. Yesterday night they looked out of focus. She can't explain it properly, but it's like Lauren's... awake now and yesterday she was sleep walking.

'Yeah.' A self-deprecating smile covers Lauren face. She loses eye contact for a second, but then forces herself to look back at Bo. 'I think I needed that. Thanks for getting me out of the lab.' She smoothes her free hand across the bottom of the t-shirt a bit awkwardly, reaching its hem and pulling it slightly away from her body 'and... Uh. Thanks for this.'

'It was fun putting it on you.' Bo teases her lightly, moving her thumb across the back of Lauren's hand, and then, reaching around her palm and entwining their fingers together, moving closer.

Bo's hand is warm and soft. It feels wonderful in Lauren's. She has nice, long, tapered fingers. Lauren cannot stop herself from thinking about where those fingers have been on her body. In her body. _Oh god. Don't go there, Lauren_. She must be bright red by now. She is just not used to this tenderness. This closeness. It's been too long. There is a bit of a twinkle in Bo's eye now, like she can guess where Lauren's mind just went. But that's it, isn't it? Bo knows. Lauren imagines she must be blinding the succubus with the energy flying off her right now.

Damn it, Bo.

A loud grumble from Lauren's stomach startles them both.

Their eyes meet again and Lauren smiles, rolling her eyes at herself and moving her head slightly to the side in apology. She gives Bo a shrug. Saved by her stomach. She cannot help but be amused.

_Welcome to my life._

Maybe it's not such a bad thing after all. She really needs to stop throwing herself at Bo every time she does something nice.

'Hungry?' Bo winks at her. 'Come on. I have cooked something for us.' Pulling her by the hand, she turns towards the door, her free forefinger pointing as she speaks in that endearing way of hers, 'It's a family recipe, maybe not as good as your aunt's cheesecake, but hopefully, I remembered all the ingredients.' She knows Bo is a terrible cook, but it does smell nice. So maybe it won't be pizza night like every other night she has stayed at the clubhouse.

She doesn't care anyway. She just follows. She is too thrilled that Bo hasn't yet let go of her hand. Everything else takes a backseat to that.

When Lauren tries to think back and remember if she has ever felt this... this whipped, she really cannot think of any other time in her life. Not even when she was an adolescent did she crush on anyone like this. Maybe that is why she feels so out of her element.

When she's being honest with herself, she knows that she has never felt like this for anyone else before.

Not even for Nadia.

She knows it. She thought Nadia was the love of her life, her one chance at happiness.

But now she realises she reached the wrong conclusion. The pieces no longer fit. The evidence has falsified her theory. She needs a new paradigm.

The thing about Lauren is that she's a scientist through and through. When she faces a problem, she breaks it into small, comprehensible bits. Then, she finds the logical links between the facts, whilst separately thinking about each of the parts. It's a process similar to putting together the pieces of a really complicated puzzle. It requires compartmentalizing and a lot of patience. It is her training. A skill she often applies to her personal life. She can put parts of her life on hold like someone pushing a load into a room and closing the door on it.

It's how she finds simple solutions to complex problems. By focusing on the pieces and forgetting about the whole. But it is also why her simple problems become so complex.

She just will not think about the big picture until she has sorted out the details.

Like she will not think about what she'll do about Nadia _when_ she wakes up, because the waking _has_ to come first.

Just like she'd rather not think about the day she met Bo and what that tells her about herself and her big questions. Was that embarrassing. It still is. She even ran herself some tests after Bo left the lab. She was so shocked at her unprofessional behaviour she thought the succubus must have done something to her.

Running her fingers over the back of a naked patient! Unabashedly staring at Bo's nakedness and telling her she was beautiful!

She had a full out-of-body experience that day. The first of many to come, it seems. But all the tests had come back normal. No easy excuses to be had.

_Unless, you consider love at first sight, of course._

She exhales softly, looking at Bo as she moves them towards the kitchen counter. She truly is beautiful.

And she, herself, is so, so gone. It's not even worth hiding.

'Come on. Take a seat, Lauren. I'll get us something to drink.' It's quiet downstairs. Kenzi must be out. Lauren can't help but feel a bit relieved. She likes Kenzi and she knows how important she is to Bo, but she is too much sometimes. Lauren is not on top of her game right now, and you really need to be to deal with Kenzi's sharp humour and sharper tongue.

She doesn't sit. 'Can I help with anything?' It would be good to do something, even the most menial of tasks, just to stop thinking.

Bo reaches for two glasses and points her head towards the already opened bottle of wine that is resting on top of the counter. 'Sure, why don't you pour us some wine.'

Lauren would rather drink something non-alcoholic. It is never a good idea for her to drink on an empty stomach, but she doesn't want to make a big deal out of it. She doesn't want to explain how little she has been eating lately. And so, she sits in the stool across from Bo, and pours each of them a glass.

She's glad to see it is indeed lasagna for dinner. And by the smell of it, it is edible. Bo passes her a plate. 'I hope you like it,' Lauren likes it. She is ravenous and has to make an effort not to inhale the food. She wonders why Bo made pasta? She smiles inside. Maybe she was actually listening that time she launched onto an awkward ramble about pasta, serotonin and paths into the brain.

She doesn't feel like any of this is clearing up her brain, though.

She can tell Bo is looking at her while she eats. She seems more interested in Lauren than in the food in front of her.

'Bo. Last night... Did you carry me into the house?' It is the only thing Lauren can think to say to break the silence. It feels like that is what happened, but she cannot remember, she has this faint memory of having her face pressed against a sweet smelling neck, but maybe it was a dream.

'Yes. You feel asleep and I couldn't wake you up. I got worried. Kenzi helped me carry you upstairs, though. That is her t-shirt you are wearing, by the way. She insisted that she wants it back.' A shrug from Bo. An apology she supposes. Bo is used to Kenzi's ways and doesn't really question them. She just runs with them.

Lauren nods. 'I would have already given it back, but I couldn't find my top.'

Bo gives her one of her thousand kilowatts smiles.

Forget about the Mongolian death worm. _That_ smile should be catalogued as a weapon.

'I kinda shouted a bit when I came in carrying you and Kenzi dropped her cereals on top of you.' She looks a bit sheepish at that. 'Sorry. But don't worry, I washed and dried everything, so you can get your stuff back when you finish eating.' She points with her chin towards a laundry basket that is at the other end of the counter. Lauren can spy her lacy blue bra on top of the pile and is once again reminded of the fact that she's not wearing it. Bo's eyes and mind seem to follow hers, because when she looks back to her, she's licking her lips, and, definitely, not looking at Lauren's eyes anymore.

Lauren puts her empty glass down. She drank that a bit too fast, maybe. But she's feeling fine. Or so she tells herself. She walks to the basket. And then, she does something completely out of character. She takes off the dark t-shirt and gets dressed right there in the kitchen.

To be truthful, she never knows quite what she's doing when she's with Bo. Her thoughts tend to just come tumbling uncensored out of her mouth. That when she's not directly jumping the other woman... She has learnt to just wing it. Being around Bo is a bit like being on an amusement park ride. One moment you are fine, and the next, your stomach is on your throat.

She doesn't dare turn around until she's done.

When she does, she realises that Bo has moved around the counter and behind her. She looks confused, but also, she clearly enjoyed what Lauren just did. 'Bo, I...' but Bo shushes her with a finger on her lips. She reaches up to carefully move a loose tendril of hair out of the way, placing it behind Lauren's ear. She notices, like she always does, that Lauren has small, nice ears, and lustrous, beautiful, soft hair.

'You know, for someone who keeps so many secrets, sometimes, you talk too much, Lauren.'

With that Bo advances on her, pushing her against the counter. They are now chest-to-chest. Lauren trembles with the effort not to rub her breasts against the other woman's. Bo's hand moves from her ear to her neck, caressing her jaw line with her thumb. Her other hand travels around her waist, pulling their hips together more firmly.

Lauren feels like she is on fire. She wasn't born strong enough for this. Before she knows it, she is kissing Bo, her lips moving over the succubus', possessively. Bo responds immediately, opening her mouth and invading Lauren's mouth with her tongue, her hands sliding down to grab Lauren's buttocks. The kiss stays tender only for a moment. The time it takes Bo to insinuate one of her legs between Lauren's and press her up into her thigh. Lauren feels the contact to her very core, heat spreading through her limbs. She feels herself harden and swell. Her clit expanding, begging to be touched. Her hips start to rock against Bo's thigh before she can have a conscious thought about any of this. Her grasping hands land on Bo's shoulders, clutching at her for support.

'Wait!' Lauren breaks the kiss with a gasp, coming up for air like a drowning woman. She pushes away from Bo feebly, but Bo is too strong. She's still moving rhythmically against her centre. A terrible pressure beats between Lauren's legs. 'Oh.' She feels sparks already flying outwards from her centre. 'Oh.' My god. She's this close to coming already.

But she cannot do this. 'Bo, wait, please.' It's nearly a sob. And it's the _please_ that breaks through the lustful haze Bo has fallen into. She stops rocking against Lauren, holds herself stiffly for a moment, and then, sags against the blonde doctor, breathing hard into her neck. Lauren is also breathing hard. She's afraid to move. She's two seconds away from embarrassing herself.

God.

She needs to sort herself out. This is unfair to them both.

But she cannot go back to how things were a couple of weeks ago, before Nadia's name had been spoken between them.

She kisses Bo's neck softly and then, lets go. She moves away with difficulty. She wants Bo so much it hurts, but she needs to put some distance between them. She knows she's sending mixed signals to Bo and she's sorry. Her attraction for the fae woman is undeniable.

But there's more.

_It's like you love her, Lauren._

'Bo, I am sorry. I... I have to get back to the lab.' She needs to go. She spots her jacket and bag by the sofa. She grabs them and moves quickly to the door. But she stops, her hand on the handle.

She cannot leave like this. She will not.

She turns to face Bo, who's just standing by the counter, looking at her. She's probably at a loss where she is concerned. She's really acting like a maniac lately. Lauren clutches the jacket to her chest, like a shield protecting her. 'Bo, I am so, so sorry. Please believe me.' A deep breath. 'I shouldn't have led you on. I know things are complicated between us, but please believe me when I say I never meant to hurt you.'

Bo shakes her head. 'Lauren, you didn't do all the leading. Believe me. I just..., I don't understand what is going on between us.' She's treading carefully, looking for the right words. 'With you and me,' a breath, 'and Nadia,' she tentatively moves a bit closer to Lauren.

But Lauren takes a step back.

She's at the crossroads. Isn't she. And like in that Al Pacino movie, she is the kind of person that always knows the right path.

Without exception, she knows.

_Tell her you love her, you dimwit!_ Definitely, Kenzi's voice has infiltrated her brain.

Lauren looks down. She's suddenly calmer. She puts on her jacket slowly. Moves her bag to her other shoulder, adjusting the strap. She scrounges up courage from some hidden reserves she didn't know she had.

'Bo, listen.' Bo looks at her, making eye contact easily. And then, her eyes open widely. When she reviews the events of the day later on that night, lying in her bed, Lauren is sure. Bo knew what she was going to say before she did.

'I-, I love you, Bo.' She nods to herself. To the other woman. 'I do. But I need to find this cure for Nadia. I _need_ to. Please understand.'

She cannot believe what she just said.

My God, Lauren. _Get out of here while you still can._

With that she turns, opens the door and exits into the cold night.

She feels like running.

But she still has her dignity.


	3. Chapter 3

**Inside out**

**Chapter 3**

_When at the cross-roads, the worst thing about knowing the right path is that, in order to choose it, you must know of the alternatives. Of all the easy, pain-free ways out. Of all the paths that protect you from even more heartache. To do right, you must know all that, and then, turn your back on it._

The clubhouse is not really within walking distance of the lab, but Lauren doesn't care. She's walking. She needs to clear her head. She's been living too fast recently. She needs to catch up with herself. She figures she'll hail a taxi when she cannot walk any further. Or, if that fails, just sit on the floor for a bit, and start anew when she can.

It's not like anyone is waiting for her. She is in no rush to get back.

She likes to think, sometimes, that Nadia is waiting for her back at the compound. She used to spend hours sitting next to her during that dreadful first year. That was the worst time in Lauren's life. She shudders at the thought. The emotions that those memories evoke still have the power to make her feel physically ill, even to this day. She doesn't spend nearly as much time by Nadia's side nowadays, but every so often, she visits her when she gets back to the lab. She tells her about her day. About her new friends. Sometimes, she tells her about Bo. But most of the times, she talks about the things they did together, a million years ago. On occasion, she even talks about their time in Congo. That conversation always ends the same way, with Lauren asking Nadia for forgiveness. A forgiveness that is never offered.

She knows that she talks to her as if Nadia could actually listen.

When she's ignoring her stern scientific side, Lauren can convince herself that patients in comas do listen. That it does them good to hear the voice of someone they knew when they were still awake. And sometimes, she even believes it. That Nadia may be listening. That not all this time has been wasted.

Most of the time, however, she just hears the voice of Prof. Schipper, from her third-year class in advanced molecular chemistry, telling her 'Lauren, the facts. Focus on the facts,' her way of telling her to stop daydreaming.

She smiles sadly. She had been half in love with the woman. If Prof. Schipper could only see her these days. Turned into such a skeptic. Such a realist. She wishes she had kept some of that younger Lauren intact, that some of her ability to dream had survived all the savage letdowns of her older years.

But when she's brutally truthful to herself, she recognizes that she does not really care if Nadia listens or not. Not anymore. Talking to her is just an excuse to hear herself out.

She has so many words inside, Lauren. She struggles to keep them all in. She never talks to anyone. Not about anything that_ matters_. Like love. And life. And pain. And disappointment. And lost opportunities. And bad choices.

She has survived this far in fae world by mastering silence. By closing off her personal life, and focusing on her professional goals; on saving Nadia.

She rolls her eyes. She sounds like that ridiculous show Kenzi likes to watch: 'Save the cheerleader. Save the world.'

The painful truth is, she has been mostly silent for over five years now. She hardly knows how to talk to people anymore.

_Yeah, you just proved that beautifully, Lauren._

She feels herself coloring, despite the frigid air around her. She has to smile. Could she be any more awkward? She cannot believe she flashed Bo her tits, nearly let her made love to her against the kitchen counter AND told her that she loved her.

Everything in less than 10 minutes.

Some people take longer to make tea.

It must be a new world record. Someone call the Guinness people.

She looks at the sky, still smiling. _The small ironies of being alive, Lauren._ She has been dead inside, in a comma with Nadia, for so long, it's like she doesn't know how to be around the living anymore. She feels more awake now than she has in a long time. Perhaps ever. Since Bo found out about Nadia and gave her the nail, she feels liberated. Hopeful. She even feels back some of the old passion for Nadia, something that had slowly died over the last three years. And, also, a passion for Bo that is stronger than anything she has ever felt.

But mostly, she feels a passion for life. She feels like she has a future. Like she's gained a break from the bleakness of her recent past. She knows she's confused. Excited. Nervous. Unsure of what she's feeling. Of what she'll do when Nadia wakes up. But it is a sweet, sweet confusion. It comes from being alive. From hoping.

She had let herself fall into despair before meeting Bo and Kenzi. They have given her a new lease in life, it seems.

The streets around are empty. It's too cold out. There's a full moon out and she loves nights like this, but it really is very cold. The air burns her cheeks and makes her eyes water.

Maybe she is just crying.

She starts to walk a bit faster and pulls the jacket tighter around herself. It's a flimsy leather jacket and not much good against the bite of the low temperatures, but she likes the cold. She's strong. _And you look hot in this jacket_, pips in the teenage-Kenzi inside her.

Oh. Shut up.

She doesn't know for how long she walks, but by the time she makes it back to the compound she's freezing and cannot feel her feet. It must be late. She forgot her watch at Bo's, along with her necklace. Bo and Kenzi must have taken all her jewelry when they put her to bed last night. Was it only last night? Her hand travels over her throat. She's certainly not missing the necklace. It's a dog collar, like Bo called it once. A bitter reminder of her servitude to the Light, of the things she has done in the name of the Ash. Of the things she will do.

Surprisingly, there are no guards at the entrance of the compound or walking up and down the corridors. She wonders vaguely where they are, but also, she heaves a sigh of relief when she makes it inside without being questioned.

The main lights appear to be off. The emergency lights are on. It is a relatively common occurrence. With all these powerful fae people around, rarely a month goes by without an energy accident of some kind. That is why she has Nadia's pod on a special, separate system. But there is something strange. Something is off. She cannot put her finger on what it is, but she can tell. It's like someone moved some of the furniture around, and then, forgot to put things back into their rightful places.

The door to the Ash's office is open. Maybe that is what feels off. It is very strange. Since Lachlan took office, it has always been closed. Day and night. She sometimes thinks that he may have something to hide.

Against her better judgment, she moves closer to the door.

_Curiosity killed the cat, Lauren._

It's one of her worst personality traits. She's just too curious for her own good. Too avid for knowledge to know better. Like the whole Congo fiasco. She could have stayed back home, work to get tenure at a high profile University or Research Centre. Just enjoy life with Nadia. But no, she had to go on her grand research project. She thought she might find a cure for some deadly illness, not have Nadia contract one.

So, on she moves, towards the open door. She listens carefully before each step she takes. She feels heavy and clumsy. Half-frozen. Her senses are on alert and her steps resound heavily in the corridor. She passes by a potted plant that is in the wrong place. A gardenia latifolia, her mind supplies. Suddenly, the wind moves one of the curtains next to her, making it brush lightly against Lauren's side. She nearly jumps three feet into the air from the scare.

Hand on chest, she has to laugh a bit at herself. She really is so not made for adventure. It's only her loyalty to her friends and her quest to save Nadia that may make her look brave sometimes.

She reaches the door, hesitates for a moment, and then, without giving herself time to reconsider what she's doing, peeks in.

There is nobody around.

She exhales the breath she hadn't realized she was holding. Good. That's good.

She's about to turn around and head back to the lab when she notices the open chest next to the Ash's desk. There didn't use to be a chest there, not for as long as she can remember. She thinks she might have seen one like that in the private room that is behind the desk, but she's not sure if it is the same.

She knows she should go find help. Raise the alarm. Obviously, something has happened. Someone must have trespassed into the premises. She also feels the need to run to the lab and check on Nadia, but she cannot stop herself. She wants to know what is inside the chest first.

When she reaches the top of the stairs and looks inside, she can tell something is missing. The chest is divided into three compartments. The one to the left is empty. The other two are in disarray. Like someone had rummaged through them and discarded what they found. There is one wooden box that is also open and empty, and to the side, some type of fancy cloths, and underneath those, a small wooden carving of a primitive woman. It looks African and very ancient. Lauren takes it into her hands. It has the size of a small human heart. It's warm to the touch, smooth except for something in the base.

Lauren turns it around in her hands. She can hear her own loud gasp.

Could it be?

She nearly drops it to the floor. She cannot breathe. She's sure her heart stops beating for a moment.

There is a nail in the base. A _nail_.

In what she can only later describe as a mad rage, she tries to take the nail out with her bare hands and teeth. She breaks her lip trying. She claws at it with her fingernails until one nail breaks and her fingers bleeds.

It has to be Nadia's nail. It just _has_ to be.

Here. In this chest. All this time.

But it won't come out.

The lights suddenly come back up. She looks up, startled, and also, thankful, because it puts a temporary end to her rage.

_Calm down, Lauren._

She's shaking, but she needs to think rationally. She looks around. She can hear movement, the sound of footsteps coming from the corridor, so she pockets the wooden carving, and moves towards the other side of the office. There is another exit there.

She should get to the lab. She has some instruments there that she may use to extract the nail or to cut through the wood.

_One way or another, that fucking nail is coming out._ She grounds.

When she makes it to the lab, everything looks normal. It's a shock. She feels like the world has turned upside down in the last five minutes and it is strange that, on the outside, everything is still the same.

She is crying. Panting. Very nearly hysterical. The doctor inside knows she's close to hyperventilation.

She tries to take in long breaths. She clears her working table without a moment hesitation. All the contents go crashing into the floor. She does not care.

With trembling hands, she puts the carving on the table. She examines it carefully. It is a beautifully carved, antique looking silhouette of a woman. Like a… a Venus figurine. It actually reminds her of the images she's seen of the Venus of Willendorf. She turns it around to look at its base. Definitely, it has a nail in it. It only protrudes a few millimeters out. It is right at the centre of the base and goes straight through it. If the nail Bo gave her is any indication to go by, this one probably reaches nearly all the way to the neck of the figurine.

Now that she has calmed down, she is not so sure taking the nail out directly is the best way to proceed. What if it is somehow linked to Nadia's life? What if something bad happens when she extracts it? She needs to be sure before she takes any unnecessary risks. She has been waiting all these years. She can wait a bit more. This she tells to herself, because inside, it really feels like she cannot wait another minute.

She needs to talk to Trick. He will know.

She doesn't know what time it is. But it doesn't matter. It's not a social call. She dials his number from memory. It is not easy, her fingers are hurting and her hands are shaking badly. She has to dial three times before she manages to get it right.

Trick answers on the seventh ring. 'Uggghh. Hello... Who the hell is calling?' His voice is rough. He sounds annoyed. Obviously, he was sleeping. Lauren will apologize when she can.

'Trick. I have it. The nail. I found it.' She would be shouting the words if she wasn't nearly breathless. She understands the enormity of her find anew when she hears herself saying it.

Trick jumps in his bed, immediately awake. 'You have it? Where was it? How did you find it? Have you taken it out? Did she wake up?' He has a thousand questions. But Lauren is in no mood to chat.

'I'm on my way to the Dal, Trick. We need to figure this out,' with that, she slams the phone closed and takes the carving in her hands again. Then, to her mouth and lips. She kisses it softly. All her hopes, in just this piece of wood. She's not sure how to carry it. She doesn't want to leave it out of her sight for a second. She doesn't want to put it anywhere where she may lose it, where she may not touch it. Finally, she decides to stick it inside her bra, by her left breast. It's uncomfortable as hell, but she can feel it against her chest. It's safe there. She won't drop it or miss it.

She feels close to madness. To breaking.

She turns to the monitor. She cannot leave without telling Nadia of the news. She nearly runs to the other side, bumping into expensive equipment and probably disrupting important experiments and samples.

When she gets there, she feels herself calm down slightly. She moves close to Nadia's head. 'Nadia. I found it, babe.' She sobs the words. She kisses the glass next to Nadia's face, dropping to her knees. Her hand leaves a messy imprint in the glass from where her fingers are still bleeding. Her broken lip hurts when she touches the glass. 'I found it.' She's crying openly now. On the floor. Kneeling next to Nadia. Kissing the glass.

She stays in that position for a long time. So long, she falls into a daze. When she wakes from it, her knees are killing her. She stands up on wobbly legs and touches the glass once more. 'I'll come back soon, babe. I promise.' She needs to figure this out. Pronto.

She exits the lab cautiously. Perhaps less cautiously than she should, but there is nobody around. She walks to the main entrance. She's ready to exit, and damn the consequences. But she's still on her tiny lucky run; the doorman is not there, and she knows where he keeps the keys to a number of vehicles that are available to the Ash. She takes the keys of the corvette. It's the Ash favorite car and there will be a price to pay later for taking it without his permission. But she could not care less at the moment.

The drive to the Dal takes no time. She speeds through the empty streets and jumps off the car the minute she reaches her destination. She doesn't even bother to lock it.

'Trick! I have it here! Where ar-' She stops herself mid-sentence.

Lachlan is waiting inside. He's sitting at the bar, with a beer in front of him.

'Lauren, Lauren. It took you very long to get here. I was beginning to get bored. And the beer is awful in this place.' He sounds like a parent telling off his rebellious child for some small misdemeanor.

'You have been a very bad pet,' he clicks his tongue. 'Taking things from your owner like that.' He smiles, but there's no humor behind it. 'Bad, bad Lauren. It will not do.'

He extends his hand. 'I think you have something that belongs to me.'

Lauren doesn't move. She's trying to process everything that is happening. What it means.

He has no patience. He stands from the stool and moves closer to Lauren. 'Give it to me, or I will kill your pretty girlfriend.' The look in his eye is icy. She has no doubt he would follow through with his threat.

She is torn. It_ is_ the chance of a lifetime. The biggest decision of her life. And she has so little information. She looks back to the door. Maybe she can make a run for it.

He can tell she is going to need some coaxing, so he reaches into his pocket and pulls out some kind of phone. He turns the screen towards Lauren and advances on her a bit more. 'Looky here, Doc.' It's an image of her lab. There are three people around Nadia's pod. She can tell it's a live feed; the bloody handprint she left on the side of the pod clearly visible.

'I had some cameras installed recently. I like watching my employees,' he adds. 'Make sure they are doing what they are supposed to be doing.'

Lauren starts to cry. She trembles. 'Please, do not hurt her.'

Lachlan gives her his oath. It is unexpected. 'I will not. But I cannot let you get away, Lauren. Give me the carving. I will not ask again.' She can see it in his eyes. He will kill Nadia and feel no regret.

She is not sure she believes his oath, but she believes the threat. She reaches inside her clothing and takes the figurine out. It's soft and warm, from the contact with her skin. It smells of her.

He takes it from her hands, looking at it admiringly. 'Did you find out about the curse, Lauren? How it works?' He talks distractedly, focusing on the figurine. It looks smaller now that he's holding it.

Lauren shakes her head morosely. She reaches up to remove her tears. Her face is wet. It annoys her that she's crying in front of Lachlan, who just seems mildly amused by the whole thing.

'Well, I will tell you. I know how much you like learning about the workings of all things fae.' He is condescending and cruel to talk to her like this. He knows it. It pleases him. 'You see, only the person that put the nail in can ever take it out.'

Lauren's eyes open widely. She looks down at her messed-up fingers. And then, back at Lachlan.

He turns the figurine in his hands, grabs the nail and looks straight at Lauren's eyes. He doesn't want to miss her reaction to his performance.

Without any effort, he takes the nail out, like it was a knife inserted in a block of butter. He looks at the nail with curiosity. 'I had to ask a number of favors for this, you know?' He looks back to Lauren, offering her the nail, 'a memento, for safekeeping?' He winks at her.

That shocks Lauren into action. 'YOU! You cursed Nadia?' she throws herself at him, but a strong arm around her middle stops her. There is someone else in the room. The arm pulls her back until she's plastered against a strong body. Another arm comes around, at chest level, pushing her back even more firmly.

She struggles against the man behind her, kicking him. It doesn't matter to Lauren that she may be hurting him. 'Let me go!'

But Lachlan is enjoying this. She's a human. _His_ human. He can do with her whatever he damn well pleases.

'Look who's awake, Lauren'. He shows the screen to Lauren again.

Nadia is moving.

She feels herself sagging against her captor. She has no words for what she's feeling.

'I have to be there, Lachlan.' She's crying, raging. 'Please.' She begs.

'Please.' Her head falls into her chest.

'_Please_.'

She would kneel in front of him if she could.

'I'm going to do you a favor, Lauren.' He looks at her coldly. 'I am going to use my Incantatore to erase the last five years of her life from her mind.' Lauren looks up. An Incantatore is one of the most powerful of all faes. Their enchantments can never be reversed.

Lachlan continues explaining. 'She will be convinced that she stayed with you all these years in… was it Zimbabwe you dragged her to?'

He looks at her expectantly.

'Congo.' She murmurs. It's her most hated word.

'Yes. Congo.' He smiles. 'She'll be convinced that you two just fell out of love. She'll think she just landed back from Africa, maybe never to see you again. Somewhat angry that she lost five years of her life in a quest to nowhere.' He stops.

'I think I will have her think you grew old and fat in Africa.' He is amused with the idea. Lauren is like a puppet to him. His puppet. 'Yes, that would be a nice touch, wouldn't it, dear?'

He turns to the phone and talks to the Incantatore. 'Make it happen.'

Lauren screams 'No! Stop! Let me talk to her!' She fights against her captor. Kicking and trashing wildly. But she's too weak for him.

Lachlan looks at Lauren with disdain. He finds humans and their emotions so annoying. He's tired of this game already. 'Sure. You can see her. Later. Once we have taken care of her.' His face moves closer to hers, 'but if you try to talk to her or to anyone about what happened here tonight, I will have her killed. And it will be your fault.'

He reaches to touch her neck. He looks at her quizzically, the necklace she always wears is not there.

'This is all you ever wanted, Lauren. I am giving it for free.' He smiles at her, 'because you have been such a good pet these past five years.'

Lauren hates him. But she also hates herself, because it is true. She loves Nadia, but she's not in love with her anymore.

_At the cross-roads again, Lauren._

But this time, she's not sure which is the right path.


	4. Chapter 4

_I have re-uploaded this chapter, but nothing has changed. I have only removed some typos. So no need to read everything again! _

_Thank you to everyone who has reviewed the story. You people are the nicest, kindest, prettiest ladies on the internet... I haven't figured out how to read your comments yet, but I am sure I will and that they will make me like you even more._

**Inside Out**

**Chapter 4**

'I hate to cut our tête-à-tête so terribly short… just when we were starting to have fun too, but I have things to do.' Lachlan smiles at Lauren one last time and turns his eyes to the man holding her. He waves with his hand dismissively, 'let the little bird fly.'

The man drops his arms from around her immediately, causing her to stumble forward slightly. He had been holding her very tightly, supporting most of her weight.

Lauren's head is spinning with everything that has happened. But she has no time to process right now. She needs to be at the lab.

Later, when she thinks about the events of the day, she wishes she had stopped. At least, to tell Lachlan what she thought of him, perhaps to threaten him, or even better, to spit at him in the face. Maybe just to look at him in the eye, to let him see what exactly he has unleashed inside her. What he has freed by waking Nadia up; the wildness and determination he has unshackled.

But the need to get to Nadia is too strong. She turns, and pushing past the man behind her, runs out of the Dal. She jumps into the car and, without bothering with the belt, she speeds towards the lab.

_Nadia is awake._

It is the one thought on her mind. And she does not know how or what she should be feeling about it.

She is torn. She is not ashamed to admit that she feels liberated. She is finally free from a burden that has been weighing heavily on her for too long. Weighing heavily on her every waking hour and decision. Everything in these last few years has been about Nadia, hasn't it.

Everything, except Bo.

Bo is the one thing that rings true. The one thing Lauren feels has to do with _herself_, with the woman she was all those years ago, when she was self-confident and young and eager to experience the world. Yes, Bo is the only thing that is not about Nadia. And at the same time, in a terribly twisted way, that makes her the one thing in her life that is the _most _about Nadia.

It is a thought she has not allowed herself to form fully, because it requires words that she has forbidden herself to use, words that she will not use even in her own mind; but Lauren knows, deep inside, that she has come to resent all the sacrifices she has made in her quest to save Nadia. She has come to hate what Nadia's comma has done to her. The future(s) she has lost.

And so, a part of her feels an immense relief that Nadia is finally awake. Like a balloon in the hands of a toddler, a part of her is ready to fly off into the sky. The thrill she felt from that brief glimpse at Nadia moving is still making her tingle.

But she also feels the cost of this awakening heavily, because if what Lachlan said is true, any future with Nadia may now be definitely lost as well.

She hits the steering wheel with her open palm.

'Damn you, Lachlan!' she nearly howls the words.

It will not do. She will not take it lying down. She has given up too much of herself to just take this… this _shit_ without a fight. She owes it to herself and she will collect. She will avenge all the pain and sacrifices she has endured.

_But, maybe Nadia will be better off if she stays away from you and your troubles? Maybe she can have a chance at a normal life? _It is definitely her aunt Edna's voice making all the difficult questions.

But she knows it is a pertinent question. A fair one.

And if she has to let Nadia go, what will Lauren do?

She used to think that any suffering, any past humiliation would be compensated by having the rest of her life to enjoy with Nadia. But if Nadia moves on, what of all her years in isolation, in servitude?

She will get no closure.

_You will be alone, Lauren._

She cannot help but answer: _I already am_.

Right now, driving through the night, she cannot understand how she has managed to survive her own fate.

Over the years, Lauren has dreamt of a thousand different ways to save Nadia. Most of the times, as a scientist would, calculating probabilities and dismissing impossible outcomes. But also, she has fantasized about it without any regards for plausibility, like when she was a child and she would dream of the school bus breaking down on the way to her house, just so she could get a bit more sleep. She has imagined some ridiculous ass ways of saving Nadia to keep herself going, to manage to sleep on those nights when life was closing on her, when it was reminding her of the cruelty of her day-to-day miseries.

She has also considered all the possible trade-offs. She has thought of all the things she would give up to save Nadia. All the things she would do to save her. There is really not much she would not do.

Lauren knows she has done some awful things already. In the name of the Ash. She has betrayed people. She has whored herself. And not just figuratively.

_You have not!_ Screams teenage-Kenzi inside her head.

But she doesn't want to think about that now. Because the truth is that every time she thinks about it, about all the trade-offs, it always comes down to the same conclusion. It is about deciding whether the end justifies the means employed. And she can no longer make that call.

It frustrates her, because she is a doctor. She can call these things. It is like triage. Making difficult decisions is her stock in trade.

But she is not sure of herself anymore. She does not know if she can trust her gut.

Can she convince herself that having Nadia out of the comma is enough? Can she be satisfied that Nadia is free and awake even if it means that Lauren herself has to be out of the picture?

And then, a terrible question pops into her mind: Should she be thankful to the Ash?

And after that, an even more terrible question, one that she loathes herself for thinking and that she pushes out of her conscious mind immediately; if Nadia doesn't love her, if she cannot love her, is Lauren free to love Bo?

She tells herself not to think about this anymore or she will go mad. She orders herself to think about the lab, about Nadia. But that only makes her anxious. Nadia must be frightened, waking up with strange fae people around her.

The image of Nadia, scared, naked in the cold lab, not knowing where she is, what has happened! God. It is like a punch to her middle. Her stomach rebels against it, and she gags. She stomps on the brakes and stops the corvette in the middle of some unknown street, half-fearing and half-expecting another car to ram into hers from behind. She opens the door and, with one hand on the handle and half her body leaning out of the car; she throws up. Dry heaves follow. They make her cough violently; but there is only bile to spit out. She can feel tears streaming down her cheeks. She wipes at them with the sleeve of her shirt.

When she finally calms down, she closes the door and restarts the car. She is beyond exhausted. The lab has never felt so far.

'Please.' It's only a murmur. She doesn't know what she's pleading for or to whom. She just wants to see Nadia. She should have been there when Nadia opened her eyes. She has forgotten her eye color.

That is not true. She knows it. But she has forgotten how those eyes look when there is light behind them.

The relief, the elation at possibly seeing Nadia awake, the doubts, the frustration, the exhaustion, they all give way to a different emotion. She feels a bitterness creeping into her, a rage she has never felt before that also _that_ moment has been stolen from her. That she was not there to hold Nadia's hand when she finally woke up.

She tries to reason with herself.

_It's been five years for you, Lauren, but only one day for her_.

She tells herself that, for Nadia, it is like she went to sleep yesterday night. She will not be afraid. She will not be able to tell those people are fae. She will probably think she is still in Congo, in the hospital she was at when she closed her eyes. She will not think anything's amiss until someone explains, until she reads the newspaper and sees the date. She will be fine.

But it is no use. She cannot listen to reason anymore. She is tired of listening to reason. It feels like she has been stripped of most of the things that make her human throughout the last few years. She feels her humanity slipping.

She knows she is driving like a maniac. But she cannot bother with something as trivial as stopping at red lights. She figures she has lost everything dear to her already; she cannot care about something as insignificant as a car crash.

She doesn't even wonder where Trick was or how Lachlan got onto her so quickly. She only feels this black hole eating into her insides. It makes her body shake and her teeth chatter. And she has this terrible taste of bile in the back of her mouth.

She nearly drives the car into the entrance of the compound. Only the stairs by the main door prevent her from driving all the way into the lab.

She leaves the corvette and runs inside. Maybe someone tries to stop her, but she cannot tell.

She is late.

There is no sign of the pod. It is like it was never there. In its place, there is a tank with some type of fish swimming around. She can only imagine that it must be some kind of under-fae being.

There is a bright orange post-it note on the tank.

Lauren grabs it and reads it.

_We took your little fish._

_Kindly keep ours._

_PS: Do not miss 1-1: AF 356._

Lauren just sits in the nearest chair and laughs pitifully.

She feels truly pathetic.

But to be truthful, she was expecting Nadia to be gone by the time she got to the lab.

It is strange, she reflects, how the last five years of her life went by so slowly, and these past five days have gone so fast.

She turns to the terminal that's closer to her and logs in. She opens a browser and googles the numbers she has been given, 1-1: AF 356. She has a fairly good idea what it can be.

The first entry tells her all she needs to know. It reads 'FlightAware Air France (AF) #356 Flight Tracker.' She clicks on it; it's an airbus A340-300 that lands everyday at Pearson, coming from Paris-Charles de Gaulle. According to the website, it is scheduled to land at 4:15PM EST but tends to land at 5:09PM. She figures that, in France, it is probably impolite to arrive on time.

She doesn't know if she should laugh or trash the whole lab. They have given Nadia a Christmas holiday in Paris.

She needs to sleep on this. To think carefully, to plan her next steps.

She is very aware of the camera feed Lachlan showed her. It is clear that he is keeping tabs on her; he may be tracking what she's doing online too. She needs to be cautious.

She _is _smarter than they are. But she needs to keep her wits about her.

She logs out and stands. She pockets the note. She knows where she needs to be on the 1st of January at 4:15PM.

It's a date.

And the best thing is, it's only three weeks away.

The following week speeds by. She works in the lab. She tries not to show a single outward sign of what she's thinking or feeling. She even meets with the Ash on Friday afternoon. They both act like there is nothing to discuss but work. It is business as usual. Only at the end, Lachlan asks about the under-fae that was delivered to her lab. He wants to know if she has figured out what it is. Lauren has not been back to see the tank since last Sunday morning, when she took the post-it, so she tells the Ash that she does not, but she will work on that next week if he wants her to. However, the Ash just looks at her for a minute in complete silence and then, tells her to keep working on the autopsies she's been conducting.

She has not seen any of her so-called-friends all week. Trick hasn't called. She is hurt that he has not been in touch. But she figures the Incantatore was probably busy last Sunday. It is likely that they erased the memory of Lauren's frantic call from his mind. It is the only logical explanation, and the only one she allows herself to contemplate.

Bo has called a couple of times, but she has managed to avoid talking to her by sending her a couple of e-mails. Irrationally, she is also upset that Bo has not come to the lab to see her; but admittedly, Lauren has been acting so weirdly lately, Bo is probably just trying to give her some space. Be the bigger person. Let Lauren regroup and get herself together.

On the Monday morning of week two, she even sends everyone a Christmas e-card. Some stupid thing with a tree, signed 'Merry Christmas, Lauren.'

She has all these tumultuous feelings and thoughts inside, but somehow, she can still function. In fact, she's been doing some excellent work in the lab.

She is biding her time.

She has thought about all the possible scenarios for when she goes to the airport the Sunday after next. There are not that many to contemplate, anyway. Whatever Nadia does or does not remember she will find out when they meet. After that, she will make a run for it, either with or without Nadia.

_Because _nothing_is worth this life._

And they'd better not go after her. She is afraid of the vindictive thoughts she has been having. She knows more about the fae than Lachlan gives her credit for. And she now knows, in her heart of hearts, that she is capable of using that knowledge if that means keeping those she loves safe.

On that second Tuesday, Bo calls her again. She invites her to a party at the clubhouse on Christmas Eve. She leaves a message on her machine. Lauren can tell that Bo tried to go for nonchalant. That is how she sounds at the beginning, but as the message goes on, there is a shift in her voice.

'Hey, Doctor! Haven't seen you in a while. You shouldn't work so much!' She can tell Bo was smiling when she said that, but then, there is a pause and a slight change in her tone. 'I hope things are ok? Kenzi and I, we are giving a small party this Christmas Eve at the clubhouse. Why don't you join us?' Another pause. She can hear Bo's breathing. 'Anyway, I hope you can make it. I- I've missed you, Lauren.' A breath. 'Ok. Well. See you soon. Bye now.'

She is tempted to call her back. But it is too complicated right now for Lauren. She may be functioning alright here in the lab. But this is something she can do using a part of her brain that is perfectly safe. Science is so automatic for her, so much who she is, that it is like a bodily function, like breathing or swallowing, like something that happens underneath her limbic system, right in her brain stem.

She rolls her eyes at herself because everything about Bo is_full_ frontal lobe.

She cannot go. There is just no way. She sends Bo a message. She tries to keep it short and uncompromising. She says thank you for the invite and sorry she missed the call, but she has been very busy. She adds that she will definitely try to make it to the party.

She has no intention of going, but there is no point in bringing attention to that right now.

She feels calm inside. She cannot help but think that something is brewing, that this is only the calmness before the storm. But in an odd way, it is like she has been on the death corridor for five years and finally, she knows the date for her execution. It is strange, but somehow, it has given her peace.

Lauren can handle deadlines.

Christmas Eve she spends at the lab. She never goes to Bo's party.

It is silly, for someone that feels so old and jaded, but she regrets not going. She truly loves Christmas. It used to be her favorite holiday when she was a child, and magic was still just magic and not a highly evolved species. She looks at the ceiling and smiles slightly. The original Santa was probably fae. It is the first time she smiles since Nadia woke up, but any humor she might be feeling is short-lived. The phone rings. It is her main lab technician. He is bringing in a body; the Ash wants an autopsy performed immediately.

She shrugs. It is fine. It's not like she has plans for the night.

Almost immediately after hanging up, on the monitor, Lauren sees him wheel the body bag inside. She hasn't bothered to move the camera so it stills points at the same place it always did. The only difference is that the tank takes up a lot less space and they put it perpendicularly to where Nadia used to be. The technician places the dead body next to her newly acquired fish tank. There is a clipboard on top of the bag. She can see him taking it with him as he moves off the screen. Two minutes later he is walking into the lab.

'Dr. Lewis. Good evening.' He is a short man of about forty-five. A human. One of the very few around. Lauren has known him for a long time. He was here when she first started working for the fae. She does not really know much about him beyond his name and the fact that he is always polite and professional. Things that Lauren values in her team.

'Good evening, Mr. Armstrong.' She nods at him as he gives her the clipboard. He is not a man for chatting, or for asking compromising questions. He obviously has noticed Nadia is gone, as he has been in charge of feeding her new fae-fish, but he has made no comment. Lauren thinks she could be standing here naked and he would not bat a lash.

She admits to herself that she really likes Mike Armstrong.

'It's a human woman of about thirty. Do you want me to prepare her for the autopsy?' He does not sound too happy about being here on Christmas morning. Maybe it is because it is a Sunday too. Lauren guesses he might be married. Maybe he has children.

Maybe he just does not want to think about death on Christmas.

She looks at him. Nothing in his face indicates that he may not want to do it. But just the same, Lauren lets him go home. If he has a home. Who knows what is keeping him here. What his own secrets are, when he is so mindful of hers. 'Don't worry, I will take care of it.' She looks at the clipboard, her attention already on the work that needs to be done. 'You can take the rest of the day off.'

He smiles. 'Thank you, I will then.' He turns and walks to the door. But before leaving, he stops and looks back. 'Merry Christmas, Dr. Lewis.'

She looks up and smiles at him, 'Merry Christmas.' Yes, she likes him very much.

The information on the clipboard is really just bare bones. It contains a description of the victim, the location at which she was found and her injuries. There is also a brief police report requesting the autopsy. It is signed by Dyson.

She smiles at that. Things have been getting better between her and Dyson but they are certainly not friends. He won't be missing her, she doesn't think.

She turns to look at the monitor.

The body bag is open. But that is not the worst of it. Bo is standing by the tank, both hands on it, trying to see what's inside.

She is as beautiful as ever.

'It's a fish, Bo.' She talks to the monitor.

And, as if she can hear her, Bo looks up straight at the camera and, somehow, right into Lauren's eyes. She is frowning. She does not look happy.

Lauren drops her eyes and puts the clipboard on the table in front of her. Then, she turns her back to the screen and waits.

Bo is coming.

It is high time Lauren faces the music.


	5. Chapter 5

**Inside Out**

**Chapter 5**

The time it takes Bo to make it to her desk constitutes the longest two minutes of Lauren's life.

It had to happen. This confrontation. Lauren knows it; but she is not really prepared. She has been actively avoiding all thoughts of Bo. Just praying she could sort things out with Nadia before she had to talk to Bo. Hoping against hope that maybe, things could be resolved without having to confront the succubus.

She is not sure if that makes her a bad person, a two-timing liar. Someone who wants to have her cake, and eat it too. She knows that, in the best of worlds, she should have come clean to Bo already, tell her about what happened with Nadia and the Ash, let her know where _they_ stand, irrespective of what happens in the end with Nadia.

But the truth is, there is nothing in Lauren's life right now that can happen irrespective of Nadia. Everything is conditional on what happens next Sunday.

She wishes it wasn't so; but it is. Lauren's whole life is on hold until then. Pretty much like it has been for the last five years.

Perhaps it is unfair to all of them that she's playing it like this. Perhaps she is in the wrong, because she _is_ in love with Bo. It is something that she knows with complete certainty. She has been avoiding thinking about it, but it doesn't make it any less true. It is a love that has taken a life of its own, that exists like an entity, outside of what Lauren wants or thinks about it. She can no longer subdue or ignore it. It just is.

But at the same time, she knows that she is bound to Nadia, to their common past and their potential future, in complicated ways that only she can fully understand. Or maybe, that only she can fully misunderstand.

If Nadia loves her, needs her, there will be nothing to decide. She will be whoever Nadia needs her to be.

How is that fair to anyone?

It isn't.

Does that mean that she is being unfair to Bo? Perhaps. That she is trying to protect her heart? She doesn't think so. She knows she is going to end up getting hurt. Because regardless of how things play out, she will lose. Particularly now that Bo is here.

She inhales deeply and turns towards the sound of footsteps. For once, she knows that Bo is coming, so there will be no surprise. She can hear her making her way into the lab. Bo is approaching very quickly, nearly at a run. She looks worried, eyes searching. Lauren guesses she is looking for her. She must be right because when she finally spots Lauren standing by her desk, Bo slows down; her gait and whole demeanor subtly changing. She comes even closer, her eyes on the screen behind Lauren. The screen with the feed to the fish tank and the now empty body bag.

And just like that, Bo realizes that Lauren is keeping secrets.

Again.

From shock, to fear. And from fear, to indignation.

Lauren can only imagine what Bo must have thought when she saw Nadia was missing. Probably, that Lauren herself would also be missing.

She calls out to her, 'hey.'

Bo is wearing one of her trade-mark leather jackets, a grey top, dark blue jeans and knee-high boots.

She looks amazing.

Lauren has never known anyone that could affect her so just by_ being_. By standing next to her. She is suddenly very aware that this may be the last time she sees Bo. It breaks her heart knowing that she may be on the brink of losing her. So she drinks in the sight of her like a starved woman.

Bo is holding Lauren's necklace in her hand. Lauren forgot it at the Clubhouse. It feels like all of that happened a very long time ago. In fact, it was only a couple of weeks ago, but Lauren has grown so old in that time, so tired. Bo shows the necklace to Lauren. For a moment, Lauren is worried that she will throw it at her, like she did that other time. But Bo just puts it down on the desk between them.

Perhaps a symbol of everything that has always stood between them.

Bo looks upset, her lips drawn together. She is frowning slightly when she speaks. 'Where is Nadia.' She points at the monitor behind Lauren when she speaks.

It doesn't even sound like a question. It is more like a demand for information. She wants an explanation, and Lauren knows she owes her one. She knows it doesn't make sense that Nadia is gone and she herself is still here, in the lab, working, like nothing's the matter. That it is bizarre that she has been sending Bo e-mails and text messages these last two weeks like everything is perfectly fine.

In fact, she even sent her a message this morning apologizing for not going to the Christmas party yesterday, citing a sore throat. In hindsight, that was probably a mistake. Maybe Bo came to the lab to check on her on account of that message.

She ducks her head, unable to look at Bo in the eye. She hides slightly behind a curtain of blonde hair, praying for the strength to move through this moment.

She states the obvious. 'Nadia is gone.'

It is not really an answer. Bo comes from seeing that. Thank you very much, so she stays quiet for a moment, waiting for more. When it becomes apparent that Lauren is not going to say anything else, she asks for details, 'since when.'

It is not a question either.

Lauren looks up briefly. Bo's flat tone is scaring her a bit. Her face looks stern. Ferocious, even. She is not giving away much, but if her voice is any indication, she's not very happy with Lauren right now. She tries to keep her eyes on Bo's this time as she answers; 'since the day I spent at your place.'

That gets a reaction from Bo. Her eyes open widely and her hands move to the table, leaning into it, bringing her body closer to Lauren, as she says 'but-, that was… that was two freaking weeks ago, Lauren!' her voice raises as she speaks and she ends up nearly shouting the words.

Lauren can only nod. She knows she's been in the wrong. But knowing it doesn't change anything. 'Look Bo, I am sorry. But I cannot talk about this _here_.' She moves her eyes and face to where she knows one of the cameras is located. Who knows how many more there may be around. She is talking in a hushed voice. Part of it is so they cannot overhear her, but also, she cannot seem to find enough air in her lungs for more. It is like she has a hand inside her chest, squeezing.

She looks back at Bo. Hoping she understands. Trying to communicate with her eyes what she cannot say.

_They are watching, Bo._

'Don't give me that again, Lauren! What is going on here? WHY-'

She is shouting, gesticulating, pointing her finger at Lauren but she stops mid-sentence, when she finally notices what Lauren is telling her, where her eyes and chin are pointing. She moves her eyes to that point as well. There is a camera in that corner of the lab. She looks back at Lauren in question. Lauren just nods.

Bo stares at Lauren for a moment longer and then, moves around the desk that is separating them.

She stands too close to Lauren. Like she always does.

Lauren notices that she smells great. Like she always does.

Bo leans to whisper in her ear.

'What is going on, Lauren.' Her lips graze her lobe as she speaks. To anyone looking it may appear that Bo is kissing her neck or her ear. Lauren feels electrified by the brief contact. She can never think clearly when Bo stands this close, and she needs to think. So she breaks her rule: she takes a slight step back to give herself some breathing space. How does Bo manage to affect her like this?

'Not here.' It is the only thing she can think to say. It comes out in a full voice. It is something that can be interpreted in many different ways by whoever is listening. If someone is listening.

Bo takes a step back and looks at her for a moment. Then she nods. 'Get your coat. We are going for a walk.'

They exit the compound without being stopped. Lauren guesses the guards know by now that there is no point in trying to stop Bo. Although she has noticed that they have been giving her a wider berth recently, it is possible that _she_ may have to pay for leaving the compound later.

There is a bit of snow in the streets. It must have snowed last night. Lauren smiles in delight. She loves snow. She cannot stop herself. She reaches for Bo and laces her arm through hers. She has to touch the other woman, connect with her somehow. She has been awfully lonely these last two weeks. Seeing Bo makes her realize how much she missed her. How much she looks forward to the time she spends with the succubus. How much it means to her.

It is cold but sunny outside. She breathes in deeply, feeling her lungs expand. It feels like the first full breath she has taken since the night she lost Nadia to the Ash.

It _is_ good to be out of the compound, in the winter sun, with Bo. If she doesn't think too much about it, she can convince herself that they are just a normal couple, out for lunch on a bright Christmas morning. She even closes her eyes for a moment to feel the freezing air, the smell of the morning, the sun in her face, and the pressure of Bo's arm against hers. It's a memory she knows she will treasure.

They end up sitting side by side on a bench in the park that is by the compound. And then, without being asked to, Lauren explains everything.

_Everything._

She tells Bo about the night of the call to Trick, and her frantic trip to the Dal and back. About the Ash's involvement, and how she got her new fish tank. She tells her about the Air France flight that always lands 54 minutes too late. About Nadia's possible memory loss and what this may mean to them all.

She comes clean about her plans to leave, regardless of what happens at the airport. She even explains how she can no longer live this life. How _nothing_ is worth this life. How it is now beyond her to accept the terms of her_ –_employment_–_ to the Light. She refuses to call it slavery. She was a willing servant. She sold herself for a price. And now there's only the last installment to pay.

Finally, she tells Bo that she loves her. But also, that she will do whatever Nadia needs.

That is the hardest part to tell, but it is the truth and she doesn't want any more secrets between them. She just cannot live with any more secrets.

She only looks at Bo a couple of times during her monologue. Bo looks attentive. Perhaps she just looks uncomprehending. It _is _a bit too much to take in.

And when she's done, she's done.

She just stands from the bench and walks back into the compound.

She doesn't look back.

Bo doesn't try to stop her.

The rest of the week flies by. Lauren doesn't talk to Bo or to anyone else, really. She can barely function at the lab after her talk to Bo, so she stays in her quarters most of the time. On Saturday, she packs. She feels a profound self-pity that she can put everything that matters to her in a tiny duffel bag. That such a small bag is what her life amounts to.

New Years' Eve she spends by her fish tank. The only thing she has found out about the fish is that it is dying. Soon. When the clock strikes midnight she pulls the plug from the life support of the tank.

_Happy New Year, Lauren._

When she leaves the compound, on Sunday morning, she goes by the lab one last time. She has many regrets, but none of them are about this lab. She is proud of the work she has accomplished here. She has acted like a professional. She has saved lives. No, this lab is not part of her regrets. Professionally, it has been a challenging and fulfilling time.

She sees the necklace still lying on her desk, where Bo left it a week ago. She is tempted to take it, to keep it as a memory of the person she never wants to be, a token to remind her of how she never wants to feel again, but she cannot make herself go and grab it.

She leaves the compound using one of the safe exists she discovered when she still could think of the routes to get in and out of the compound as her little mind game with her dog-guards.

It only takes her 45 minutes to get to the airport. It is a beautiful day. The sky is blue and the sun is shining. She rolls her eyes. She sounds like that silly starfish cartoon from Finding Nemo. _The sun is shining! The tank is clean!_

But she does love winter mornings like this. She needs to hold on to the things that she can still enjoy.

She pays the cabby and walks into the terminal.

And then, she waits.

She's nearly seven hours early.

Realistically, she's five years too late.

The flight lands only slightly late, at 4:37PM. That also makes Lauren smile. Not too bad.

She spots Nadia as soon as she walks past the gate.

Lauren remembers, then. She remembers everything she ever felt for her. Nadia walks tall and proud, and oh, so beautiful. She does not look a day older, a day spoiled from the girl that went to Congo with her. It makes Lauren cry and laugh, because Nadia is alright. She is alive and complete. She is walking like a woman that has a life, a future, a past. And she is not alone. She walks out laughing, arm-in-arm with a brunette. Lauren recognizes her. It's Mary. Nadia's best friend from when they were both studying at the University. They don't look like they are a couple. That has never been the nature of their friendship, but it makes Lauren realize that Nadia will eventually have someone else in her life. That she can and will move on.

It pains her, but at the same time, it liberates her. It is like the Ash told her. A favor in disguise, the worst Christmas present she has ever received.

Lauren watches them as they move past her. They don't notice her, because she's not directly in front of them. In all the hours she spent waiting, Lauren has found a place where she can see but not be seen easily. She doesn't try to follow them or make her presence known. She will be visiting Nadia in the future. But not today.

_Gave over, Lauren. You lose._

Her hand moves to cover her mouth. She fights to contain a sob. Her eyes are bright with unshed tears and her cheeks wet from the few that have already escaped. She's crying for herself. For Bo. For Nadia. For everything that has gone wrong. For the things that can never be fixed once they are broken.

She stands there until Nadia and Mary disappear from her sight. And, after that, for time unknown, she just stands, staring at the gate.

Finally, she nods to herself and reaches down for her duffel bag. This is all she is taking from this life. It is nothing. Just some clothes and some documents: her passport, her driving license, her University degrees. In a way, it is easier to leave like this, with the clothes on her back and virtually nothing else.

_Time to get going, Lauren. _

Head down and shoulders slumped; she turns around without really looking, and bumps into a warm body. On a normal day, she would not believe someone could be standing that close to her without her noticing. But today is not a normal day. She doesn't know right from left right now.

'Sorry, I didn't-'

Lauren stops mid-sentence and gaps.

It's Bo.

Damn her stealth. Who knows how long the other woman has been standing there. From the look on her face, Lauren can imagine the answer: long enough.

'Bo.'

Lauren is too shocked to say anything more. She drops the duffel bag to the floor. She doesn't know what to do or say. But she doesn't need to do anything, because, for once, Bo takes the initiative. She moves her hands to Lauren's face, touching Lauren's tears with her fingers, rubbing her skin lovingly. Then, she kisses Lauren's face, her tears. Finally, moving even closer, she pulls Lauren into a hug. One of Bo's arms moves around Lauren's back and the other to the back of her head, holding her against her own body.

It breaks Lauren heart that Bo is here. That she came. That she is being so tender with her.

She needs this.

God, how she needs this.

Bo is warm against her. She feels wonderful. Lauren hesitates for a second, but then, she moves her own arms around the succubus' waist, holding on to her and pushing her face against Bo's neck, breathing her in.

Lauren feels the other woman pull her even closer. She is, as usual, tremendously conscious of everywhere her body is touching Bo's. As conflicted as she is, as terrified as she is about the future, about what this means; she cannot help herself. The physical contact burns Lauren skin. She has to stop herself from moaning at the feeling. Her heart beat picks up, her body temperature goes up. She feels a pleasant rush of blood travel all over her body and settle like a beat between her legs.

She laughs at herself. It is how she always feels when Bo is around.

Half pain, half pleasure.

Maybe there _is _a tomorrow, after all.

'Lauren?'

She moves her face slightly, kissing Bo's neck softly, 'what.'

'Let's go home.'

FIN.

* * *

><p><em>If you are here, it means you read the whole thing! I really hope you enjoyed the story. Thank you for reading!<em>

_I wanted to make Bo tell Lauren that she loved her back, but she resisted. She's just too stubborn. Sorry! ;) _


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